Here is a sampling of questions from the new Wonderlic Test:
1. If the Ohio State tailback gets $42,000 from a Buckeye booster but the Escalade he wants is $57,000, he should:
a) Buy a different SUV
b) Take a job he doesn't have to show up for from another booster to cover the difference
c) Ask Maurice Clarett to borrow one for him
d) Transfer to an SEC school with more generous boosters
2. Texas A&M scores 46 points against Miami in a bowl game. How many staff members will Larry Coker fire the next week?
3. If Joe Paterno's team loses a close game, how long before his players will be allowed to talk to the media again?
Bonus: How long will Penn State fans complain on their message boards?
4. Which of these numbers in the following group is the largest?
a) 10 x 14 x 5
b) 632
c) 1,000 - 275 + 30
d) Charlie Weis' cholesterol level
5. A linebacker is 21. The underage girl he sleeps with is 16. At Tennessee, how many plays against a non-conference team would he have to miss as punishment?
6. If ESPN's Gameday crew were to go to Arkansas to cover a game, how much netting would be needed to protect Kirk, Lee and Chris Fowler from objects thrown by Razorback fans?
a) none
b) 200 feet
c) all Home Depot sells in a three city area
d) Trick question: Gameday would never go to Arkansas
7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.3 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.48 but the 9mm Glock hidden in Vick's waistband is heavier. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest?
8. If the world's largest sequoia tree is almost 3,000 years old and the earth's crust is 5 billion years old, how old is Bobby Bowden if he started coaching before either?
9. If Michigan has a 12 point lead with under 9 minutes left in the game, how much time will be left on the clock when the opposing team scores the winning touchdown?
a) 3 minutes
b) 1 minute
c) :35 seconds
d) 0:00, last play of the game and immediately named ESPN Instant Classic
10. Your team's stadium holds 96,000 fans but regularly only sells 32,000 tickets to its home games. How long will it take the team bus to drive back to Westwood?
11. Which would be more unbearable: Spending a hot day in the stall of Ralphie, the Colorado Buff mascot, or driving across Kansas in a vinyl-seated, non-air conditioned '73 Nova with Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino. Explain.
12. If you watch two hours of ESPN pre-game, four hours of post-game and six versions of SportsCenter during which Beano Cook appears 15% of each broadcast, how many times will you want to gouge your eyes out with a tongue depressor?
13. Floyd of Rosedale is:
a) Barney Fife's neighbor from the old ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW
b) The current WWF champion
c) A college football trophy as coveted as winning a giant stuffed animal at the state fair
14. If a Onepeat.com LSU fan wastes 60% of each day stewing over the shared title with USC in 2003, how many hours will he have left each week to not date women?
15. The ninth month of the year is:
a) June
b) January
c) November
d) The time when the Kappa Kappa Gamma girls arrive back on campus to start doing your homework again
EXTRA CREDIT: If Lou Holtz is brought in to rebuild your program, how many years of NCAA probation will your school receive when he leaves?
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- According to anyone else involved in the TT session who is not a fan of your team - your team sucks.
- The worse your team is doing in any particular season, is directly proportional to your actual knowledge of the sport. (Texas Longhorn fans are all football geniuses in the TT world right now)
- Your team still sucks.
- Any logical argument you may bring to the TT table on any topic related to sports, will be immediately quashed with attacks on your character or supposed knowledge of the sport in question . . .especially if your team is having a bad year (see rule #2 regarding knowledge of sports).
- Polls based on human "opinion" will always outweigh any computer ranking or any actual performance on the field. (I'm pretty sure this thought process comes from the days of our childhood when our parents would say, "BECAUSE I SAID SO!"), unless of course this makes your team look better (Oklahoma finished the 2005 season ranked #9 by the Sagarin computer poll - YEAH BABY!!)
- Yes . . .your team still sucks.
- One player can always be completely and solely responsible for the performance of any team, whether they are winning or losing.
- Your rivalry game cannot possibly match the intensity and tradition of anyone else's rivalry game, regardless of what you might think, because . . . . . .you guessed it . . .your team sucks.
- Anytime you try to bring up a valid point, deflection to an irrelevant matter is completely sound in TT. (ex. Query: "Why did Reggie Bush try to pitch the ball? They were so close to scoring anyway, what was he thinking?" - Acceptable reply: "Vince Young's knee was down before the pitch!! They should never have been given the touchdown! That's the ENTIRE game in a nutshell! . . .and . . .and . . .well last year USC beat OU 55-19!! HA!")
- And finally, none of it should be taken seriously because, whoever is spouting the TT doesn't know anything about your team because, after all, their team sucks too!!
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